"Siri, Symptoms of Panic Attack.."

I know better. Never ever, ever, EVER self-diagnose on the Internet.

I already have pregret.

September 26th

Time: 3:47am

Location: Master Bathtub

1st rush

Doing it anyway. “Siri, what causes sudden rise in body temperature?”

Holy Mother Mary, all of the Saints, and the Devil too- I think these episodes that I’ve been having might be hot flashes. no. no way... no... no?

Is that possible? I'm waaaayyyy too young.... then again, I did start my period at 11. Could starting early also be an indicator of early onset Menopause? I'm way behind in knowledge here.

I've decided to take better notes of each incident bc I can't keep all of this straight and I need to document my symptoms and weird observations to look for patterns etc.

This is the 4th time over two weeks that I’ve woken up feeling like I’m burning up from the inside. Buzzy and then rushy…. and then, instinctually, I freeze like an animal milliseconds before an earthquake hits- bc I KNOW that SOMETHING is coming.

I try to get ahead of it and- I get up and wander, as if to out run the heat yet, getting hotter by the second.

According to Dr. Google, I could be having Panic Attacks, Mini Heart Attacks, Fever (OMG- do I have a fever?!?), Adrenaline Rushes, Hot Flashes or Mast Cell Activation Syndrome aka, Spontaneous Combustion.

4:03 am

Now, I'm clammy and cold-but-not-cold and shivering. This bathtub plan seemed like a good idea at the time. nope, need a better option.

I have graduated from stripping off my clothes and laying naked on the travertine of the bathroom floor to pregaming by making a little nest of cotton sheets, a pillow and bathrobe in the master bathtub.

Partly, because I don’t want Mr. Handsome to step on me in the dark on his way across the master bath. He does’t know about this yet. Hell, I don’t know about THIS yet and I don’t want to scare the bejesus out of the man.

I don't know where or how to be comfortable. Freezing now but I'm afraid to get back into bed bc I had a second one the other night and woke him up when escaping for the second time.

"....so squirmy...are you ok...."

So, here I lay twisted in a sheet in a tub/bed steaming, literally steaming for whatever reason. Still not sure if it’s night sweats or hot flashes -I always hear that hot flashes come with excessive sweating and I’m just steamy and damp and glowing from the inside of my elbows of the back of my scalp and inside of my ears.

Not sticky- sweaty, just weirdly enveloped in a veil of damp. All that I can think to compare it to is the way that steam dances around you like apparitions when you climb out of a hot tub on a snowy night? If I turned the lights on, I expect to see steam coming off of my skin. Spontaneous combustion isn't the worst way to go... great story.

Oh no...

4:21 am

Its happening again.... like a freight train on fire. This one is different. I'm sooooooo tired.... when does this END?

4:34 am Clammy / Sweaty - again.